i always feel like somebody's watching me ...

yes, i do.  because while i'm eating my club today and picking out the roast beef (which i don't ever remember being in a club, but o well)  and not that i don't like roast beef, but it wasn't meshing well with the other meats ... anyway ...

 i wonder sometimes if someone's watching me eat either in the room or on camera, like that show that used to point out random people and the things they do and don't know they are being watched.  which is really creepy, but also probably very embarassing.  like are they watching me as i drop food on my clothing, wipe the boogers off my child's face, or pull my panty out my butt.  sometimes i wonder if while i chow down my whole meal they are looking at me and saying is that skinny beeoch for real.  is she really gonna eat that, or no way is she gonna eat all that, or watch she'll eat it all and then hurl it later.  though you might not like to hear it, i do eat and don't hurl, just letting you know.  and yeah, you probably don't want to know, but i don't even weigh 100 lbs, but i am healthy.  not anorexic, contrary to what the stupid doctor said after i went to him to figure out how to gain weight.  i eat as much or as little as i want.  i turn 35 next week and as everyone tells me it's going to catch up with me i've given up on that and just started thinking who cares anymore!  i'm good with it, it's sometimes frustrating when someone says it must be nice to be so thin, but when your child's friends start saying, "hey i have a shirt just like that"  it's not so wonderful.  it's kind of annoying when someone whispers, "huh, kids having kids"  yeah i know don't complain at least you look young, but sometimes just sometimes i want to scream,

"hey, i'm a grown woman people, i haven't set any guiness records in having children too young that goes to someone in brazil, well i think."  okay so maybe i won't yell all that - i might end up hoarse.

really ... really ... i'm not kidding

so yesterday was an ugh day for me and many things went crazy wrong, which all the little things put together made it one great big mess.  but one of things i'll discuss here that happened was my email was hacked into.  typically spam will get sent and it will be some sort of money scam, but no that couldn't be the case.  my hacker had to be some psychotic dexter sexually disturbed serial killer.  the messages seemed pretty random and maybe came out of excerpts from a book, but they were disturbing to say the least.  some of the messages talked about things i'd rather not even mention, b/c they are vulgar, but things like "you and Tom could put the bodies in a plastic bag"  is just one example.  i mean really this is probably going to be a great laugh later in life, but right now i'm just worried that a swat team will appear in my front yard, b/c on my contact list i had some very important professional people that i was actually trying to get writing jobs from along with representatives, oprah, even the president.  i'm just hoping they got my apology email to them and that they know i really don't have a secret life that involves "yellow liquid", "body bags", or "homophobia".  i'm really not that type of person. so ugh to that day, and hello to a new one!!!

just a note:  if i didn't apologize to you enough before, i am very sorry my evil hacker disturbed your wonderful day yesterday, like seriously do people really not have better things to do with their lives than to hack old lady's emails and send random messages.  you know there are starving children on the streets people, i mean not mine, o who am i kidding they probably are mine or my husband, since i haven't cooked in days.

dear friends and family ...

you might say it's inappropriate, you might say did she just write that, but i just want it noted that if i die in a car accident, please don't memorialize me at the scene with a big purple teddy bear ...

a simple cross would do ...

or just flowers, really it's fine.

first of all i'm not a huge fan of purple, tho i might wear it sometimes.  secondly, teddy bears not my thing either.  i'm really kind of hoping that a message would be posted or something maybe like
WATCH OUT!!  and i know what you are thinking, whaaaat!!  i know really only things like that are left for the young, but just in case.  i can say tho i've really almost been there, it was a close call,(see my journey in another blog i used to have) and as i'm passing some crosses on the road i was just thinking man i hope my memory doesn't go to waste.  man i hope that instead of updating my gravesite that those who knew me best would instead fight for the underdog, stop a bully, work on helping those in need, take the time to spend precious moments with loved ones, or just get up and do something.  i pray i left enough words to live by even if it started with, "go zig-zag ..."  or "it was a linoleum floor ...".  i pray that the images left behind aren't all pretty and that they remember my good, bad, and ugly.  for we all need to live in the now and the future won't be such a slap in the face.

sorry that is all ... if i offended you i apologize.

editor's note:  after reading this, i thought i'd just mention that this is not a suicidal blog post just me word vomiting again, so no need to worry.

It always seems ...

us @ a n.o. hornets basketball game, we were blessed with tickets in club level
by our very generous doctor, had a blast!

to me that i usually get the short end of the stick when it comes to life.  but i guess it's only fitting since i AM only 5 foot.  but i'm not sure i would know what to do if the doors were always open for me.  i'm pretty sure it would look similar to a scene in a movie when you ram into the door several times and finally on your last try you back up to ram it, only to get through with ease b/c someone else has opened it and you go flying through smacking into the coffee table spilling red wine all over the beautiful creme carpet.  so i'm okay with not expecting the doors to open for me because in most of my accidents there has always come some revelation, a lesson worth learning, whether it be smacking straight into the door head on and knocking some sense into me or just having a whirlwind of events at the opening of one finally.  recently, we've been knocked down a few times, but what i love most about my family is that they don't let it get them down.  we celebrate in the little things, the little blessings that get blown our way from time to time.  we don't have the biggest house or yard on the block, we don't have all our dishes or laundry done, we don't have the finest china or luxurious vehicles to drive, heck at this moment we don't even have a wall in my kitchen.  (hint to husband:  please get that done in 2011).  but what we do have is each other, spirit, friends, family, love, kindness, generousity, and the belief that all will be okay.  so my little word this year is BELIEVE!  b/c what i've noted more than anything in this family is they believe, they have belief in themselves and others.  this challenge, that i've never participated in before is from ali edwards, for those nonscrappers, she is the it girl in the scrapbooking world and has challenged all who care to participate in having one little word to live by each year.  and here is mine and what i hope to get from it.

i believe there is good in us all
i believe that anything is possible
i believe that i will not hide all my husband's fishing poles this year
i believe that we will make it through our difficult time
i believe that others will too
i believe that i can survive the 300 hundred children that will enter through my doors to play b/c i feel like 
               the kool-aid house sometimes
i believe in myself, i'm putting an end to self-doubt
i believe my children will make a difference in this world, they are going to do BIG things with their lives
i believe that Jesus will take the wheel when i need him too
i believe in God and i have faith in his direction